Acomadador.

June 13.

By that June 13th, I had been married to him for fifteen years, one month and 20 days. And we had been in a relationship for more than two decades. The second Saturday of that June, he walked out on me and walked out of our children, aged 4 and 7. In my mind, I was relieved to see him pack his bags and leave. But the physical dimension sensed something different.

I was sick that day, ill with severe bronchial infection, fever and my body was aching with a temperature of 105 degrees that day.  My body's indication that part of my soul was dying inside, maybe ?  That Saturday morning, I had gone to the clinic all by myself to treat my illness.  I got myself a few painful injections on my butt, and the doctor insisted that I lie down for a while and get IV fluids. I said I had no time to do that and rushed back home. As soon as I got off the taxi my knees wobbled from the antidote injection and the fever and I am not sure how much I paid the taxi, except that the taxi driver was happy. God bless him because he came running after me to return my mobile phone. I can’t remember much after that except falling into my mothers arms when she opened the door, and she walked me and laid me to the bed.

It must have been around noon.

I was delirious with fever and had weird dreams. Acha was talking to me. Acha was shouting at me to stop him. Except for the fact that my Acha, my father in law passed away 18 months ago Acha was so real that Saturday.

Someone opened the door and said that he was leaving. I could only make out a grey cloud, blinded with fever, medication and dreams et all.  But Achas image and voice was  closer to me than the grey cloud. Acha now sounded more authoritative..STOP HIM, Acha screamed.  Acha, you shouldn’t shout like that, it is not good for you. I kept telling Acha. Acha refused to listen. Acha kept trying to push me from the bed, I fell off the bed. My mother came to the room hearing my shuffle and she helped me back to bed. She said just sleep, it’s the fever, I will make Milagu Rasam. In my mothers world Rasam is the magic concoction for fever and for most ailments.  

Acha appeared to be fading and my body ached and burned at the same time. I was having difficulty to breathe normally and wished I would stop breathing altogether. Acha, don't go, let me come with you.. This time Acha was gentle. He said, no its not time for you …you should live mol, he seemed gentle and resigned by then. Get up please this time Acha begged. Wish Acha would let me sleep…and then my bedroom door opened, the grey cloud murmured something and I could hear the sound of trolley bags being dragged.

I am going.

Thanks , I said

I don’t know why I said thanks. It’s the habit.

And went back to sleep peacefully, Rasam untouched.

Achan who was haunting me from sleeping never spoke to me after that day, I have a feeling that Achan went with him and lives with him and I am glad. I slept peacefully without Achan and without  the grey cloud.

I woke up next morning, fever gone and ravishingly hungry and it was then I realized that he had left us.

The first emotion was a huge relief. 

I was relieved, as how much you would be relieved when a cancerous arm is amputated. Do you mourn the arm or rejoice the rest of the body? I chose the latter.

My life is never going to be the same, I concluded. An arm amputed. Anything and everything artificial cannot fully replace it but will do the job.

Nevertheless, I am going to live one less arm. And live happily I decided.

The next day something took over, an explicable surge of strength, because I had decided that I do not want him back in my life ever again. I had experienced a sense of loss, close to death and then survived.  I have grown resilient to it.

I felt grateful . I felt that I had lost something that I loved most dearly and maybe not just this in this life. But for many lives. I felt that karma has ended.  I felt light yet strong. And more importantly  I felt a huge sense of Freedom. Freedom not because he left and that I dint have the commitment, I felt free that I had the ability to commit myself to what was best.

Why am I writing this today ? Three years after he left.

Because ever since that day, I have grown resilient to people leaving me. Resilient to ending relationships. Resilient to friendships and resilient to broken relationships. And now I understand that it is because I have grown past the giving up point. The acomadador or  the giving up point was a term used by Paulo Coelho in his book Zahir.  There is always an event in our lives that is responsible for us failing to progress, a bitter defeat, that can prevent us from moving on.  Like the Shaman who increases his hidden powers, we must free ourselves from that giving- up point, and to do that, I must review and reflect my life, I suppose.  Somedays  you struggle to understand why people leave, why we leave. I think of my acomadador, I think of Acha. I think of what I let out of my door. I think of the vacuum inside my soul that cannot be filled by with all the opium in the world. It makes me smile. It makes me strong - I move on.  People come to your life for a reason. When the reason ends, the season changes. 


As the season changes, close the door, change the song, remove that jumper stop being who you were and discover who you are.

Thanks.